Miserable together but can’t afford to leave?
Listening to a friend recently who was totally miserable, married to a man who neither loved or respected her I found myself wondering why they were still together.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, when a marriage ends, the woman is the one who files for divorce two-thirds of the time.
So why doesn’t my friend leave her husband?
For a man, his main reason is:
- Lack of physical intimacy.
- Meeting another woman.
- He’s no longer no.1 (especially when children come along).
For her and many like her, the reasons are not always clear, women leave for very different reasons.
- Lack of, or no emotional connection. For a woman, there needs to be an emotional intimacy before a physical one. If there is no emotional intimacy sex is unlikely to follow. A husband needs to know what she’s thinking and how she is feeling , not always an easy thing to figure out!
- Miss matched Finances. Usually, the couple is going in different directions when it comes to money. One maybe a spend thrift the other cannot save. One may be a risk taker the other very conservative when it comes to investments. Either way, it spells disaster if not sorted especially if the man holds the purse strings.
- Spending time with family. Whilst women like to engage with wider family members men are more reluctant to spend time with their mother in law. Discipline and child welfare usually comes under the woman’s domain and when the men do step in it’s usually not of the same opinion of the wife. Whilst many men still perceive themselves as the breadwinners women resent the fact that they work full time and still have full-time childcare.
- Conflict solving. People rarely agree 100% of the time, finding the common ground can make for a better relationship but if one person always has to back down then resentment will build. Never argue in front of children and always have a common approach to child welfare and discipline.
- Controlling or abusive behaviour is never acceptable on either part, man or woman. When it starts it will rarely stop and in many cases, emotional abuse will turn physical.
And the upshot of all this is that woman feel happier, relieved and have a certainty that they were right to end their marriage (despite evidence that divorce may harm their children)
In order for a relationship to work there has to be an investment from both the husband and wife.
We put our time, energy and money into a marriage but more importantly we invest passion, intimacy, and affection. ….sometimes, just sometimes when we’ve given all we’ve got to give there is nothing left.
When this happens we have to say “enough is enough” and walk away.
5 ways to support yourself if you separate…
- Talk to Citizens advice – find out who you need to inform and why.
- Get legal advice before you leave – Family law help centre
- Money advice service gives information regarding the Benefits system and what you may be entitled to.
- Family and friends are an invaluable support network, swallow your pride and ask for help, don’t try and do it alone. There is a huge social media network online to offer advice and support e.g Mumsnet.
- If you are in danger then always contact the police first, don’t hesitate, look after yourself.
Good luck and I’d love to have a chat to see how I can help you.
Just choose the easiest way to get in touch.
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